: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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