i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
