dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
