Fine. I'll sleep in my office
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
