I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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