hotel room ftw
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
he had hair everywhere except his balls
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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