JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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