i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
My bed smells like the plague
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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