I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
