There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
i out mim tonsoeep
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