this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Can you bring me the toilet please
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
