I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
is that a dick in a sweater?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
