I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
