wanna go halves on a baby?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
