it's too hot outside to masturbate.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
