Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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