Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Well I just put wine in my tea
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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