2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
