I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
