I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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