We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Is Oprah even human
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
