lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
