i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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