just tell him i said nine months
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
