she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
