just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
