Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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