A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
