apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
