i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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