wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
