so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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