Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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