cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
