His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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