Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
