More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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