Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
