I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
