Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
