If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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