remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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