I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
