Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
