allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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