You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You ate ashes out of my bong
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
