a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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