My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
