I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
