i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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