Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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